Healing
by skysedge
Summary: When had Gojyo started down the road to destruction? Before the misunderstandings, before the hastily hidden tears and before the dreaded ‘talk with Sanzo’. Gojyo must admit some painful truths or destroy himself in the pursuit of happiness.
1. Chapter 1

**Oh boy, another Saiyuki fic! – is what I hope you're thinking. This is something I thought of a while ago and will be…three parts long? Was going to be two but this one ended up longer than expected!**

**58 angsty loveliness. I like making Gojyo suffer. Enjoy!**

* * *

_How the hell did I end up here?_

Gojyo stared into the mirror in front of him and watched the moonlight glance off the blade of the knife held poised in his hand.

_Why the hell am I doing this?_

He tried a smile on for size but it seemed distorted by his reflection; he just didn't look like himself anymore.

_What do I do now?_

He couldn't answer that one, even to himself. Instead, Gojyo froze, knife still poised, eyes still glued to the mirror. Maybe if he could trace this feeling back, he would understand what the hell was going on and feel like himself again.

So when _had_ it started? When had he started feeling that something inside him was missing? He supposed it had been when he realised there was another part of him to be found and that had been weeks ago now. Before the misunderstandings, before the hastily hidden tears and before the dreaded 'talk with Sanzo'. Gojyo smiled ruefully; you knew things were bad when you had to talk to Sanzo about it.

So, before all that had been…

* * *

It had all started with the accident.

Having been coerced into helping with grocery shopping, Gojyo had been stumbling down the street laden down with a ridiculous amount of bags when he decided it was high time for a smoke. This meant that he then tried to light the cigarette dangling from his lips while simultaneously holding all the heavy bags and could really only end one way.

The next thing he knew, he was on his back surrounded by various food items. His head felt very much like he had been hit by a truck and moving slightly, he found that his head was almost impaled on a can of some sort of soup.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai shouted, "Are you alright?"

"Uh…" Gojyo shut his eyes for a moment and tried to will away the throbbing in his temples but to no avail. "I'm not dead, if that's what you mean."

Hakkai laughed softly and Gojyo felt his friend crouch down beside him. "I told you that smoking would be the death of you."

"Yeah, yeah, help me up will you?" Gojyo grumbled and grabbed the hand that Hakkai instantly offered.

As he stood another wave of pain rushed to his head, causing Gojyo to groan.

"Are you sure that was a can I landed on and not a knife?" he said slowly. Hakkai nodded and raised a gentle hand to the redhead's arm.

"Certain. Does it hurt that badly?" he asked quietly, his tone a little anxious.

Gojyo opened his eyes and glanced at his friends face. Hakkai's eyes were narrowed slightly in worry while his lips turned up at one corner, presumably to try and comfort Gojyo. Which was working, he had to admit. The pain was already starting to fade but Gojyo didn't feel like telling Hakkai that yet; he could be fawned over a little longer.

"It's practically killing me," he answered seriously and then tried to make his voice sound hurt but brave. "But it's okay, the shopping is more important, right?"

"No, it's not okay," Hakkai answered firmly. "Wait right here and I'll get Goku to come and help me carry the bags. Once we get back to the inn I can take a look at you."

Gojyo had smiled a little at his friend before nodding. "Sure thing, 'Kai. You're the boss."

* * *

"Sit down."

"Ah, Hakkai, it's not that bad-"

"Just sit down, Gojyo. I won't ask again."

Sighing, Gojyo threw himself into the chair that Hakkai had placed in the middle of the room and cursed himself. Why had he got himself into this situation? He liked attention but now Hakkai was bustling around like a mother hen and driving him crazy. His head didn't even hurt anymore.

Hakkai moved to stand behind him and raised his hands either side of Gojyo's head who opened his mouth to protest against the healing – what would happen to him if Hakkai used his chi on an area that wasn't hurt? Would he explode or something? But before Gojyo could get a word out he felt the familiar warmth of his friends healing ability.

And that was when it had happened.

It was as though he could feel Hakkai's heartbeat in his mind and could visualise perfectly each line of the body behind him. The dark hair falling over bright eyes, their colour only intensified by his worry. The way the loose material of his shirt hung carelessly over his pale skin. The gentle grace in each of his movements that masked something inside that was anything but graceful.

And suddenly he had realised that it felt _good_ being connected to Hakkai like this. It felt _normal_ as though it was something that happened all the time. He didn't feel worried anymore, not through the golden fog that was clouding his thoughts. He couldn't feel anything except that sense of unity.

Then Hakkai lowered his hands and the glow faded, leaving Gojyo calmed but confused. Hakkai had smiled like nothing had happened before busying himself elsewhere and, in his hurry to stop Goku from eating all the shopping, hadn't noticed the stricken expression on Gojyo's face. Gojyo himself felt lost, suddenly. Alone. Disconnected. It was as though Hakkai had reached inside of him, found a part so deeply hidden it had been forgotten about and then taken it with him when he left.

_Whoa there, cowboy, _Gojyo thought to himself. _That's some deep shit for _you_ to be thinking._

Although he would never admit it, the connection had scared him and so he put it to the back of his mind, blaming it all on the damn soup can which was sending him crazy. Hakkai was Hakkai and they _already_ had a bond that freaked him out. Why would he want anything else? Enough was enough and Gojyo had resolved to put the whole thing behind him.

But then there was the _second_ accident. . .


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Holy hell, sorry for the immense delay! My Saiyuki muse died on me but hopefully the ball is rolling again now. This chapter is longer than the last and thanks for all of the reviews! Thanks to anyone who read it on minuswave as well – obviously you can't review there so I can't thank you personally.**

**I said last time that this would be 3 parts? Bleh, forget it. I have no idea how many parts this will be. At least four or five. Maybe more. We'll have to wait and see!**

-x-

Then there was the _second_ accident. . .

….which was less of an accident and more of an _incident_. It had been a few days after the shopping catastrophe and already Goku was complaining about the lack of good food. This had led to the little monkey leaving _things_ everywhere. The floor of the jeep was littered with cans, tins, bags, half-eaten cookies – you name it, it was there.

Gojyo had tried various ways of getting Goku to clean up; taunting hadn't worked, yelling had just given him a headache and resulted in Hakkai politely suggesting that he tidied it up himself. As if _that_ was going to happen. Sha Gojyo, picking up litter because a little pea-brained _monkey boy_ was lazy?

This attitude might have helped his ego to inflate but didn't make Gojyo feel any better. Several hours later and his headache was still in place and the crap was still all over the floor of the Jeep. Luckily for him, Goku appeared to have fallen asleep and was mumbling to himself in the corner. Gojyo stretched out, rested his head against the back of the seat and stared up at the sky which was fading to a dull pink as the sun slowly set behind them.

What he needed now was some good old daydreaming – something that would amuse him, calm him down _and_ get rid of his headache. Gojyo's mind instantly supplied him with images of recent conquests – thin girls in figure hugging clothes, curvy girls in short dresses, quiet brunettes, sassy blondes, waitresses in cute little skirts, Hakkai, black haired –

Hakkai?

Gojyo's eyes slammed open.

"What the _fuck_?" he murmured to himself, afraid to shut his eyes again until he had figured out what had happened to his thoughts. How the hell was there any connection between Hakkai and a waitress in a cute little skirt? Unhelpfully, Gojyo's inventive imagination supplied him with a fleeting image of Hakkai in a frilly apron making dinner, from before this stupid journey even began. Pushing this to the back of his mind, Gojyo could think of no logical explanation for the subconscious jump. Hakkai, waitress. Hakkai as a waitress? Hakkai _with_ a waitress? Hakkai _murdering_ a waitress? _What?_

It was clear the Gojyo's headache wasn't going away anytime soon and now he needed something else to think about. Inexorably, his thoughts drifted back to what he had started thinking of as his 'moment of madness'. Had Hakkai done something with his brain back then to make him think these freaky, messed up thoughts now? What could have happened?

Maybe… Gojyo's mouth twitched up into a grin at his brilliant explanation. It must have been because Gojyo wasn't injured when Hakkai had pumped a bucket load of life-force into him. That sort of thing _has_ to have an adverse effect on the brain. It must have an effect like. . . like alcohol. Making you see things weirdly and associating people with weird things. So, since the life-force boost had felt good, he was now associating Hakkai with pleasure and –

Gojyo stopped himself there. The theory made sense. It _had_ to. He didn't want to go into details about why.

Sighing contentedly and leaning back, Gojyo shut his eyes again, already feeling his headache just melting away. Sanzo was sleeping so there was no need to worry about dodging bullets, Hakkai was driving silently and most definitely not wearing a waitress's outfit, and Goku was –

There was a rustle from the other side of the back seat. Not a rustle of clothing or a rustle of garbage blowing about in the wind but one of those long, drawn out, whispery rustles that meant the rustler was trying to be quiet and failing miserably, resulting in one extended rustle that was even more annoying that one loud, quick one.

"Goku," Gojyo said without opening his eyes, "That better not be a bag of food you're opening."

There was a silence, completely devoid of rustle.

"Goku?"

Gojyo heard Goku sigh. "Aw, Gojyo, how did you know it was me?"

"There's no one else in the back of this car," he explained slowly, "And even if there were, no one in the world knows how to be annoying like you. Toss the bag."

"No!"

At the sound of Goku raising his voice petulantly, Gojyo opened his eyes and turned towards him. The monkey was sitting in the far corner, large paper bag of some food source in his hands and a scowl on his face.

"Goku, toss the damn bag!" Gojyo said loudly, "My head is about to explode! Anyway, you already ate all of our food supply so how can you possibly be hungry?"

"I did not!"

"Did too!" Gojyo felt himself slipping into an argument he knew he shouldn't be having but couldn't help himself. The brat was _asking_ for it.

"We didn't have any food in the jeep when we left!" Goku complained.

"Yes we did!" Gojyo yelled, pointing at the floor. "What do you call all of this shit? If you hadn't eaten it all, you wouldn't be hungry, I wouldn't have a headache and Hakkai wouldn't have had to keep driving to the next town! So _toss the damn bag!"_

Ignoring him, Goku started moving his hands in order to rip the bag open. Forgetting all about car safety, Gojyo stood up and moved to pounce on the boy but to his horror, found one foot flying out beneath him as he stepped onto a can of some sort. His weight and momentum carried Gojyo past Goku and out over the side of the Jeep. His legs scratched along the edge of the car and then he was free and hit the ground hard.

Hakkai screeched to a stop further down the road and Gojyo lay without moving, trying to think of the best way to tell Goku _exactly_ how much he wanted to kill him right now. Footsteps approached, one set hurried, one cautious and one nonchalant. Hakkai was the first to reach him.

"Gojyo! What happened?" he asked, grabbing Gojyo's shoulders to pull him into a sitting position. "Are you hurt?"

"Uh. . . yeah," Gojyo looked down at himself, "You could say that." Surveying himself, Gojyo realised that one leg had a deep cut across his thigh, caused by something scraping against it when he flew out of the jeep. Other than that he was fine, more angry than hurt.

"I vote we make the monkey walk the rest of the way," he said quickly. Hakkai raised his eyebrows and turned to Goku, who was hovering nervously a few feet away.

"Was this your fault, Goku?" he asked gently. Goku's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by an impatient 'che' from Sanzo's direction. The monk was still leaning against the car and still seemed to be half asleep.

"Just get back in, Goku." he ordered. "And how old are you?" he asked, looking at Gojyo. "Grow up or you'll be the one walking to India. I'm sick and tired of all of you. Hakkai, patch this idiot up fast, I want to get moving."

With this, he climbed back into the car and closed his eyes again. Goku followed him quickly, leaving Gojyo alone with Hakkai.

Despite the anger pulsing through his already angry mind, Gojyo had an idea. An idea that could stop him from having freaky thoughts forever.

He was actually hurt this time. If he asked Hakkai to heal him then he could do a test – if nothing happened except the cut vanishing then Gojyo's theory had been right. If he had another 'moment of madness' then… no. He wasn't going to think about that possibility.

"Hey, 'Kai?" he said casually. "My leg's hurting me quite a bit." This was true, if a little exaggerated.

"Oh?" Turning gentle eyes upon him, Hakkai blinked slowly. Gojyo paused. God, those eyes were green. Like _green_ green. Freaky.

"What the hell?" Gojyo whispered.

"Is something wrong?" Hakkai asked, "Do you need me to heal you?"

"Uh, yeah, that's it." Gojyo faltered for anything else to say. "Nothing else wrong at all. So if you could just…"

"Right away," Hakkai smiled and raised his hands quickly, ghosting over the gash in Gojyo's thigh. For a moment, the only thing that he could feel was a warm, tingling sensation and he breathed a sigh of relief. All was well. Thank god. But then…

The world disappeared. The Jeep, Sanzo, Goku, the trees, _everything_ seemed to merge into one nameless blur and all that was left was Hakkai. Instead of watching his wound close up in morbid curiosity like usual, Gojyo found himself watching the healer carefully. Hakkai looked incredibly fragile in that moment. Fragile and ethereal, as though there was a candle somewhere deep inside him that was causing his skin to glow. The warm feeling in his thigh seemed to spread throughout his whole body and Gojyo found himself unable to breathe, unable to move. It was absolutely terrifying. Once again, he felt connected to Hakkai in a way he hadn't believed possible until last time but now….being able to see him multiplied the feeling tenfold.

Finally, the wound closed up and Hakkai moved his hands yet, for a moment, the feeling remained. He raised his eyes and caught Gojyo's gaze who was almost knocked back by its intensity. There was something different about Hakkai's eyes at that moment. The light was still glowing within them and for a split second, Gojyo believed that Hakkai had been feeling it too…

"Hurry the hell up, will you?" A shout floated over from the Jeep and the moment was lost. Hakkai turned away and stood up quickly, not offering Gojyo a hand up. The redhead struggled to his feet and stood silent for a moment, until he could take it no longer.

"'Kai…" he murmured, "What just-"

"Come on," Hakkai cut in sharply. "We have to get moving."

And with that, he ambled back over to the Jeep, smile slipping back into place effortlessly. Gojyo could do nothing but follow him and sink unhappily back into his seat. A few minutes into the journey, Goku poked him.

"Hey, Gojyo? You feelin' okay?"

"Shut up," Gojyo shot back, closing his eyes and sinking further into his seat. He didn't want to talk right then. His headache had gone to be replaced by a much less familiar, much sharper ache in his chest. And he still had no idea what was happening. As they sped towards the town, he focussed on the back of the seat in front of him and hoped that things would be back to normal in a few days. What Gojyo had forgotten was that everything comes in threes, and something other than a good nights rest was awaiting him in the next town.

-x-

**A/N Thanks for reading! Drop me a line ^^ Oh and people, visit my profile and vote on my new poll concerning future fanfiction please!**


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